Good or Really Good

I went to my second drawing class last night. I am officially discouraged but I will keep trying hard and see it through. I know I am not the worst artist in the world but I am not where I think I should be. For me this is not good. (The whole Libra/Balance thing comes into play here) While I am also not the most competitive person in the world, I secretly want to be really good at everything I try. Therefore I sort of compete in Everything. On the flip side I am not a sore loser! I can easily move on and laugh at myself. I think its how most people work. Example: I want to feel good about my body so I run but at the same time I don't want to kill myself over it so I will settle for accepting or trying to accept what I look like. But, when I feel my attempts have a sub-average outcome I completely fall apart inside. I feel like I have failed myself.

I also know that I need to keep trying and things take time. I have no issues with the try, try & try again method. Since I was a kid I have tried, tried and tried again with reading, math, science, social studies.....shall I go on? I guess life is a try, try & try again deal so I am 150% positive I am not alone. I understand I will not be the best at everything and I don't expect to be but I want to be good. Really good.

Jason says I am too hard on myself but I feel that if you are okay with just being okay then you are not trying hard enough. Right? This rule does not apply to everything but almost everything. Who knows. My brain hurts now and I am sure yours does too. I torture myself like this on a regular basis. I know I am not alone either - I have read other blogs............

Sorry, I will get back to art class. I bet you thought this would never happen......Anyway, as I entered art class last night I was very happy with myself because I found time to practice Tuesday night. I practiced drawing a glass water picture and a wooden pedestal. I practiced seeing how the light hit the objects and I tried to relax and just draw. So my confidence is up. We start class and our instructor is talking about Perspective. He mentioned some paintings and 1 point perspective. We start drawing and I find myself getting antsy because my brain can't quite slow down. I really don't even think my brain can wrap itself around that concept but whatever. The instructor walks around the room and looks at what people are doing - he then asks "did anyone practice"? Almost everyone says yes or nods. He holds up one guys practice page.................while it is no glass picture, it is a pair of running shoes with legs crossed and it looked pretty difficult to draw. What's worse is you can tell exactly what it is! Oh this guy is good and yes, I am very excited for him.

Next the instructor walks over to this lady and he holds up her rendition of an African musical instrument with great line drawing, shadow, light, etc. She is really good too! Then for some reason I feel the need to look around the room (this is like if you were on a bridge that is 500,000 feet off of the ground and someone says "don't look down" but you do anyway). Same outcome. Discouragement sets in instantly. This is where I am with drawing. I know it will take some time and I am still enjoying it but now I am enjoying it because its a challenge - relaxing has gone out the window.

Sally (Lala) may be on to something - clay. I will try clay in the fall. I am not going to give up on art. I will keep trying different things. If I can climb rocks in Vedauwoo, I can be art.

Just so people don't get the wrong idea about my feelings on my self-worth I know I am good at my job and I know there is always room to improve but that makes me happy because I know I will continue to learn new skills and my brain will continue to think. I am good at running and I could be better if I really wanted to - it comes naturally to me. I am good at taking care of people and I have a big heart. I know I am a good person.